Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: Boredom? Check. Lack of nicotine? Check. Total insanity? Check! One afternoon, chilling in the jeep, Sanzo goes insane from Nicotine depravation while Hakkai tortures his already fragile mind...


A/N: Hiya everyone! This is Acerbus welcoming you to another weird fic! I had this idea because I thought it would be cute to write, plus it wasn't very long so I was happy! I have a big ton of other fics that I need to work on, so this was a cakewalk compared to a few others. So, enjoy! ^_^

P.S. I know that Sanzo is out of character, but it is funnier to make someone suffer and know that they are suffering, so laugh and do not criticize. If I am making you laugh honestly, why criticize?!?

The Song is: "Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray" sung by Patsy Cline.

Infernum's Note: No, seriously, We're never going to be able to forget the haunting of the Virgin Mary Statue… it will… well, haunt us. Duh. Aside from that, yeah we _all _know Sanzo's OOC, we really don't need you to tell us…

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The clouds drifted on in the sky seemingly growing more and more bruised by the excess of rain that they hid in their puffy blisters. They seemed serenely blue at the moment, but they could of course throw a tantrum. This would not make anyone very happy, especially considering how ridiculously beautiful it was outside. Of course for the two sitting in a small jeep waiting for the rest of their party to return, they didn't have much choice but to look out and enjoy the view…of the barren, unappealing, dead desert.

Sanzo and Hakkai did well to not hide their regrets of not accompanying their friends on a trip for supplies. This reason stood for multiple explanations. For one, they were bored out of their minds. Had they gone to town, who knows what they could have found that they could do!

Sanzo could either use his faux religious influence to take in a few offerings from the startled masses or he could just kick their asses and take their money, but that wouldn't be very priest-like, now would it? Exactly.

Hakkai on the other hand had the stunning ability that his companions seemed to lack. This would be politeness. This essential skill for creepy old people and mama's boys was completely drained from the other three people since their birth, whether it was the player kappa, the bottomless pit of a primate or the contradictory religious idol. This was so apparent that Hakkai nearly had to make up for all of their faults. This made him perfect.

Perfect or not, however, boredom made people do crazy things. Hakkai sat with his normal and almost irritatingly unchangeable smile plastered on his face while Sanzo searched desperately for cigarettes. He had already requested….make that ordered…make that demanded another box of the cancer sticks from the two going to shop, but he knew that by the time they got back, the kappa would have probably smoked about half the box.

"Dammit, I need poison gas in my lungs!!! Where are my toxic little friends when I need them?!" He had jumped from the car and opened the trunk haphazardly throwing things into sand. These things ranged from a bag of gold that the monks had offered them when they left to a giant wooden carving of Madonna (no, not the singer). Sanzo swore. No one offered them porn or anything useful. "Why is it that the only things that people give us is crap that they would never need?!"

Hakkai looked over at him curiously and smiled again. "Perhaps it is because you offer them crap that they would never need." Hakkai said this matter-of-factly and turned back around once he had finished. Sanzo slammed the trunk after replacing the gold, the statue, his crown, the sutra, which he had shoved in there because he got tired of carrying it, and a large rubbery thing that Gojyo had brought along.

Sanzo was careful about touching it. No one dared ask what the hell that thing was considering what it happened to be shaped like. Let alone, why Gojyo would have something like that…Hakkai suggested that perhaps he was anti-feminist while Goku was busy trying to figure out what it was. He was using it as a backscratcher when Gojyo walked in and happened to catch them theorizing as to what it was. However, after seeing Gojyo's response, Sanzo and Hakkai had a pretty good idea of what it might have been used for…Sanzo was a priest after all. He had to know about these things to…stay away from them…

Sanzo plopped back into the seat next to Hakkai. He retorted to the earlier response, "Well, the only thing that I give people would be my honest and critical advice." Hakkai didn't blink with the utterance of, "Exactly."

Sanzo scowled, "I hate you." Hakkai continued looking straight ahead, "I know." At this point Hakkai really made Sanzo hate him when he pulled a cigarette from behind his ear. Sanzo honed in on it in less than a millisecond, "OHMYGOD!!! MY HONEY BUN TOBACCO ROD! COME TO ME MY BABY!!!" He leapt for the cigarette, but just ended up in Hakkai's lap. The other smiled wider and stated, "You can have one half of it."

Sanzo looked mortified. "You mean, you mean, that you would desecrate the holy sanctity of the most beautiful thing on earth? You sick bastard!!!" He jumped for his precious again and missed. Hakkai again smiled, "No, I meant that we could share it." Sanzo immediately froze and then floated off of Hakkai's lap as though he was being picked up and thrown over someone's shoulder.

"You're kidding." Hakkai lit it and stuck it to his lips, taking a long, hard drag off of it before looking at Sanzo with glee in his eyes. "Fine then, you can go without nicotine in your system until Gojyo and Goku get back, which may be hours."

"Give it to me."

Hakkai handed the cigarette over to the be-rattled and frankly half insane priest. The recipient rubbed the filter against his cheek for a few seconds before sucking the stick for all it was worth. Hakkai watched him intently, smiling the entire time.

"That would make your second indirect kiss." Sanzo nearly inhaled the cig. Almost choking he glared at Hakkai. He definitely did not want to remember that…unfavorable…experience with the stupid kappa. Hakkai grinned wider, "But I wouldn't call it a kiss, you know that you're my friend." Sanzo settled back down and while he was taking another deep puff, Hakkai finished his statement. "But you know you are so cute when you are addicted to sucking something for pleasure." Sanzo did choke this time.

He bent over the side of the jeep gasping and hacking, trying to cough up the butt of the cig. He did in a few seconds, but while he did Hakkai slowly reached behind his ear and brought out another cigarette. He was on his third breath when Sanzo recovered and looked up at him. His view first traveled to the cigarette, then to Hakkai's smile, then back to the cigarette. Rage crossed his brow.

"Hakkai, you sick, manipulative, mother-" Hakkai cut him off. "Look, they're back." And indeed the other two had arrived back in less than ten minutes since Hakkai brought out the first cigarette. He had already finished the second one by the time the other two reached the car. Hakkai had also whispered something to Sanzo, "You idiot, you know better than to trust me."

He stood up to greet his friends. Sanzo gripped his knuckles. He would make Hakkai pay, but first, he needed a smoke. He looked up in adoration at the kappa with the cutest face he could possibly stomach. "Gojyo, did you get my cigs?" Gojyo stopped laughing with Hakkai and looked over at Sanzo, "Cigs? Why do we need cigs? Hakkai had like 6 packs last time I checked."

Sanzo whipped back to look at his enemy who just waved with an innocent grin on his face, "Hi, Sanzo."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A/N: How'd you like it? I hope you didn't mind all my…heh heh…jokes. If you still didn't understand what the thing was that Gojyo had and are above the age of 14, PM me. Other than that, if you are too young for the answer, then ask someone else! Anyway, I hope that you all enjoyed. Review for me please!

Also, I am undeniably aware of how OOC or so Sanzo is…but it is funny to see him act like this! Plus, I can't write apathetic characters very well, so there! I'm gloomy and apathetic in real life, so I suppose I try to bring life…and cigarettes…to my writing! Hooray!

Sanzo is out of character, but if you didn't laugh once at this story, you need to check what is stuck up your…anyway, I hope that you all enjoyed it.

Also, if gerigirl is reading this, I am officially dedicating this story to you. I am only doing this because you were nice enough to review for my first Saiyuki fic…and it is also apparent that you love Saiyuki…so I thought it would be funny if I made you have a heart attack reading this. Honey, I could dedicate this to you for other reasons, but you don't have anything on your profile!!!

Anyway, I luvs you all my readers, but if you don't review or PM me, I will never dedicate a story to you…unless I find you before you find me, ho ho. ^_^


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